// Cross Animals//

I’m going to post all of my Animal Crossing Adventures here

// Man of Endless Exposition//

I’d give it an “Amy Adams” out of “Laurence Fishburne”

For reference I despised Amy Adam’s Lois Lane and was moved to tears by Laurence Fishburne’s Perry White.

// Tomb Raider (2013) Review//

I’d say spoilers follow, but that insinuates there is something good that could be spoiled.  I’m also assuming you’ve played through the game if you’re reading this.

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SO, Tomb Raider eh.  Looked like a good game right?  Looked like Uncharted with a lady, right?  That’d be cool right? RIGHT!  NOPE NOPE NOPE.  

Gameplay

The gameplay is totally competent but unoriginal.  It feels like Uncharted, but that’s because it’s a very obvious “Hey guys that game is cool and fun and hip and all the kids love it!  Lets COPY it!” game.  See one of the awesome parts of Uncharted is that during most of it’s huge set pieces it still lets you have some control of Drake.  This gives you all of those “OH SWEET JESUS” moments of feeling like you’re a real part of what’s happening.  You know, it’s this idea of interactivity.  It’s kinda what Video Games are based on.  Now when Tomb Raider throws these ‘set pieces’ at you, it’s all scripted and you have no control of it besides go forwards in this specific way.  That is boring and lame and no fun for nobody, no how, no way.  Ok, enough of the gameplay.  Story time.

Story

Oh boy, this is a doozy.  First off, Lara is an idiot.  All the side characters are over the top stereotypes.  And all this 'survivor’ bullshit the marketing for the game has been hyping up, only last the first 40 minutes.  Then Lara becomes the aggressor and just starts straight up attacking the islands inhabitants.  The first 40 minutes and the rest of the game feel completely separate, like the 'survivor’ aspect was supposed to continue but someone higher up was like “MORE EXPLOSIONS YOU COCK SUCKERS” because in my head they all talk like that.  

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MOVING ON or moving down?  Because it just gets worse.  I’m going to jump around chronologically for a moment.  First the Scottish captain, Grim, dies and a couple people are like oh that kinda sucks. Then stereotypical mentor figure, Roth, dies and everyone gets really butt hurt.  Then the computer hacker, Alex, dies and everyone is still really butt hurt over Roth’s death.  No one cares about Grim and Alex.  Later in the game they even make a remark about remembering how great Roth was and no one says anything about Grim or Alex.  Not a god damn peep.  Ok back to the chronological order.

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After Roth dies the most frustrating and infuriating scene of the whole game occurs.  Following Roth’s small funeral the remaining crew decides to go to the beach to fix up a boat to leave and Lara decides to stay to pay her respects some more.  She then has the revelation of a life time.  The islands magical storms are connected to the Sun Queen.  WAIT NOW, HOLD UP A SECOND.  WHAT!?!  Over the past 4/5 hours it has been practically shoved in her face every 20 minutes and she is just now  figuring it out.  Fucking Lara, you idiot.  This is where the game completely lost me.  I went from hell no to fuck this.  Absolutely nothing makes sense after this.  

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The group sends the computer hacker off to gather some tools instead of the the extremely muscular warrior guy.  They then think he is taking too long and must be in trouble so Lara goes after him.  Literally as soon as Lara heads in his direction he just casually radios in and is like “hey guys I’m almost there.”  No one tried to radio him.  Fuck this.

Lara can only traverse the environment on the way to the ship with all of her advanced equipment, but somehow Alex makes it there fine with just his two legs.  Fuck this.

An out of no where romantic subplot is brought up between Alex and Lara 10 minutes before he dies.  Fuck this.

The 'tools’ Alex was sent to recover and lost his life over were just a screw driver and a wrench.

Reyes gets decently grazed on her upper arm and for some reason they make a makeshift arm sling implying her arm is broken, but then do nothing for the gaping bleeding wound.  Fuck this.

The Sun Queen makes a bubble around the platform she’s on as she takes forever to possess Sam.  Arrows can’t penetrate the bubble, but Lara just walks through it like nothing.  Fuck this

In the final area you move in a circle but the wind is always against you.  Fuck this.

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Tomb Raider would you please